There is no greater friend that I have than in God. He knows me fully, loves me still, and gave Himself up for the ugly girl that I am. Sometimes I will be struggling in my heart with sins and pains that no one knows. My secrets will be hidden by the joyful smile on my face, but they are written blatantly on my heart. In these times I tend to run in to God throughout my day, acknowledge His presence, and turn and walk away as quickly as I can. It is not as though I am unhappy to see Him, because indeed He is my most wonderful friend! It is instead that when I see God, He gives me the look that an old friend gives another; the look of knowing is pervasive across His glance. He looks at me and knows that I am not alright. He also knows that I have to be the one who comes to Him to share my heart, and He patiently longs for me to do so. That should be a comforting thing to me, but the thought of admitting what is going on inside of me brings me great fear. Because I forget that God really is the great friend that I know Him to be, I keep avoiding Him and walking away at every opportunity.
When I get home and close the door to my room, my sin sits on my bed like a wolf waiting for its prey and stares me in the face. Its gaze is also one of knowing, but a knowing that says “you know you want me” with a dagger-like bite waiting to strike if I reach out to pet it. I crawl into my bed, tired from a day of struggle, and kick my sin to the edge where it still paces and lingers over me. In the darkness of this room, I find myself once again looking eye-to-eye with God. He’s there, right in front of me, and this time I know I cannot turn away because my pet-enemy is crouching and ready to devour me. I can only turn to my most faithful friend.
My words fail me and I cannot muster up the ability to say what makes me want to turn to my enemy instead of my friend. It is in this moment that I realize God is not so far off that I need to shout for Him to hear me. He is there, He is in front of me, He is near. All that I can do is whisper to Him. When I first have the courage to whisper the words “God, I need You,” the wolf instantly goes away into the darkness. As I continue with more confidence to whisper to my sweet friend, my heart finds comfort in His closeness and His attentiveness. God, my friend, hears every word that is so quietly uttered from my lips.
Not only was He hearing me, He was reminding me between every tear that He yearns for my confession and trust in Him. He desires to have fellowship with me, His daughter, and He wants to point me to what He did for me on the cross. In light of God’s great love, my swift avoidance of interacting with Him was foolish. Yet even my evasion of Him was paid for and washed away at the foot of the cross. What a friend I have in Jesus!
Allyson Howell 